He’s a mean one!


My heart grew ten sizes that day, it’s true
But back in my cave, I’m now very blue.

How dare they be happy and full of joys
And it’s not because I returned all their toys.

The food was great and I didn’t pay a cent
I did them no favors, just came and then went.

Forgave me they did, what a foolish lot,
even that sweet little Cindy Lou tot.

A day of joy, ah that was quite a new thing
But lasting happiness it didn’t bring.

So back to the thing in which I put my trust
A plan, a plan, make them angry I must!

That’s it! No sobbing, but yelling much fuss
Toys thrown about making quite a big muss.

I tried with the children but that didn’t work
No, the Who adults, make them be jerks.

Make them keep the toys from those noisy brats
And I’ll be there watching, like a Cheshire cat.

Free food, free drink, carving the roast beast
Anger and tumult, what a wonderful feast!

And the music of children wanting their toys
Whining little Whofolks, all those girls and boys.

Come, Max, let’s put on those old horns
You can pull me to Whoville, to ponder my thorns.

As we go, the horns slip and fall
Max can’t pull me, no not at all.

I must have failed to put them on right
Didn’t get that bow of mine, get it tight.

Eureka, I’ve got it Max – back to the cave!
Ah what a thought, I’m a naughty bad nave.

Where’s that Santa hat?  And my special suit?
I’ll be their shopper, and helper to boot.

Don’t you see Max, this is pure genius
And we cooked it up, us two between us.

Max scowls and looks downhearted
Cheer up lad, we’ve got to get started!

First to the Mayor and folks in the city
I’ll offer to help them, that’s my ditty.

Give me your list and I’ll get you the stuff
Tringlers and fuzzies – they’re not enough.

Upscale, buy more, I’ll even pay the bill
But you’ll pay later, oh surely you will.

And so many Whos, they love my service
Silly, you’d think they’d be very nervous.

But no, I coax them to buy things so cool
It’ll be glorious, a very fun yule!

And I plan and I work and under each tree
Are lots of presents, picked out buy me.

The day comes, and the night before
Trees trimmed, a wreath on each door.

The morning dawns, what a great day
We gather and sing, and the kiddos play.

As we cook that wonderful sumptuous meal
My secret packages the children unseal.

And the man and his wife, they do too
See what they got and in joy boo hoo.

My smile and my joy cannot be changed
Max is smiling, think’s I’m deranged

But they’ve missed it, my plan will now hatch
With the good gifts, each has a catch!

I worked, I shopped, I even conspired
Every one has some assembly required.

I read the instructions for each perfect gift
And if they made sense, the list I did shift.

Chef hat on, basting the roast beast
My ears start hearing my royal feast.

Cindy Lou urges daddy on to put it together
Dad’s so frustrated his face bodes foul weather.

Mom tries to help and dad barks like a dog
Max cringes as I ready the cheese yule log.

Slowly, deliciously, the anger it grows
Friends and loved ones turned into foes.

Always helpful, I serve the them wine
Knowing their wounds I’m filling with brine!

Boys and girls form a new joyful chorus
“Put together the toys you bought for us!”

Mom wants her new thing-a-ma-bob
Dad wants his recliner to sit and sob.

But nothing, nothing, not a single one
Can be had without assembly well done.

The day unfolds to my wondering eyes
The loving Whos now each other despise.

They sit sullen and angry at the table
No one happy but me and drunk ol’ aunt Mabel.

More food and wine, and whiskey comes out
What color booze goes well with baked trout?

Now the sounds that I wanted to hear so badly
Fill my ears, and every so gladly.

Yellin’ and cussin’ and threats galore
Ooh dear Santa, bring me some more!

And he does, he does, this is so well on track,
See – Stu Who’s so nervous he’s smoking some crack!

Cindy’s mom is upset and takes her away
To Grandma’s house where she can just play!

Dad’s so grouchy that he just might
Spank Cindy or even get in a fight.

The Mayor’s had it, he’s calling it quits
Everyone’s angry, throwing tantrums and fits.

The Who Cops he calls, their help is needed
Crowd won’t simmer down though he’s pleaded.

And here they come, their bubbles a flashing
On good cop, on bad cop, give these folks a thrashing.

Stu won’t calm down and meets Mr. Taser,
Another is cuffed, sighted cop with his laser.

It takes two busses to haul them all away
Lots of drinking, public intox, they say.

The kids are tended by the old gal in the shoe
Leaving me, Max, and Mabel, who knew!

Max has plenty on the table to eat
I get that silence that I find so sweet.

But, you see, there’s one more plot to hatch
Something to endear me more to this batch.

I’ll bail them out, yes surely I will
And next year their lists I’ll again fulfill.

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